So. It's been a while Blog. I don't truly think it is possible to be able to recount the past 3 years, I could try but I'm afraid my life has never been simple enough to bullet point into one blog.
Nor do I want to begin dedicating posts to my past.
Cue first difference from the old me to the new me-my rule of no regrets no longer exists.
Maybe it's my age? My late teens were full of 'so what?'s, 'you only live once!' and 'No regrets!'
Is it me, or is it just not that simple anymore?
I suffered from an eating disorder for about 2 years during my early 20's. I experienced some of the darkest moments of my life, I discovered issues I never knew existed. I know there's so many people out there who will know what I'm talking about and I'm hoping there are many out there who got through the other end just like me. I was extremely lucky to have a beautifully caring best friend and a close knit family who didn't give up on me. To them I am forever thankful.
Little did I know that phase of my life wasn't the hardest. What scares me the most is that there are worse things to go through, there are worse things that could happen to me and I just don't know how much more strength I have left. There are days when I feel so much hope. The realisation that I got through an eating disorder, I can get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel seems just at the tip of my fingers.
And there are days like this where I feel like throwing in the towel and screaming out for help. For someone to just switch my brain for a new one. Delete the hardcoded mistakes and habits i've accumulated.
I'm talking about my anxiety disorder. My claustrophobia. My hypochondriac attitude. Being the daughter of a therapist (oh the irony) I am fully aware of my disorders. This does not in any way make them easier to handle. The only way I can see my knowledge serving me is by keeping me just on the edge of not going completely insane. Perhaps if i was in denial I could at least live in my own little bubble and think all of these things were completely normal.
What is normal? I hear you exclaim! Now I'm not asking to be 'normal', I've never been one to want to be like everyone else. All I'm asking for is to be able to talk to my friends without wondering if my heart was about to stop. To be able to have a sip of alcohol without thinking it's going to turn me into some uncontrollable monster and I'll stop breathing. To be able to obtain from ripping my jumper off and then scrambling it back on when I experience my 15th hot flush in the last 5 minutes. To be able to laugh to the point of nearly weeing myself without thinking I'm having a heart attack.
The list could go on. I might even start a blog about the list of irrational thoughts and worries, perhaps it will make them less scary.
It's not all doom and gloom, in fact, I am writing this because I have finally got to a place where I'm not scared to write. I practice Mindfulness Meditation and swear by it. If it wasn't for that and my incredible Therapist, I'm pretty sure I'd still be at square one rocking in a ball in the corner of my room... poor attempt at a joke, I don't think I've ever actually done that... but it's the cliche image isn't it!?
I have an incredible partner, which is all I ever wanted, looking back at my old posts, I have and always will be in love with Love.
I'm on my road to recovery and I would love to hear from anyone else out there who's on theirs.
Until next time.
Peace and Love.
Ria x
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