On This Day

Facebook ‘on this day’. My oh my aren't you a sight for sore eyes. 

Is it just me, or does everyone else absolutely cringe at some of their past statuses or should I say humiliating cries out for help. 

Every January I get the same thing. 8 years ago, my heart was broken. Broken is probably an understatement. It felt as if someone had ripped my heart out in one swift motion and repeatedly stamped on it until i could breath no more. 

I had recently turned 19, trying to settle in to my new life at performing arts school. Exposing my soul to further my Acting career and co-habiting with an array of colourful characters to say the least. To say I was vulnerable is a given, naive and vulnerable. Not the best combination. 

Anyway, every year I get to be reminded of this god awful time of my life in which I felt so desperate to claw back my secure long term relationship (4 years and 10 months to a 19 year old feels like an absolute lifetime)- the only relationship I had had of its kind - that I turned to Facebook to express my cries for help. You might think that I was one of those people that wanted the world to ask me if I’m ok, or what had happened. But no, I was worse, I was the person that would write a status to sound like it was ‘ambiguous’ but really it was so obviously aimed at one person to read.

The worst kind. 

I’m sharing this because a) it is funny really, in a you’ve got to laugh at yourself kind of way and b) because perhaps out there, there is a young girl who has just had her heart ripped out and thinks it’ll never mend again. And perhaps I could give her that tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to be just ok. 

See, as dramatic as it may sound, I truly felt that at that time there was no point in me being in the world. I distinctively remember floating around in a dream like state, numb to the world around me. Feeling only the tear that seemed to live on my cheek, replaced by another within a second of falling. 

I spent nights staring at my dorm bedroom door, wiling it to burst open and see my ex rescuing me with a bunch of flowers, begging for me back. Telling me that it was all a mistake- I was worth something.

Nada. I stared for hours. Prayed. Only to be left with the realisation that, actually, I wasn’t worth much at all. At least that’s what I thought. I carried on this notion for a number of years (my therapist may say it still lives on in me, that little nook in my head that tells me I wasn’t worth coming back for). I carried it through an eating disorder, countless flings, an anxiety disorder, my career choices… the list could go on. 

The point is that, yes it stayed with me. In some way or another, all these things stay, they are all part of what makes us who we are. 

But I am happily married now, to the most wonderful man I could have ever wished for. To my best friend and favourite person in the world. If I had told my 19 year old self not to worry, that I would find the most perfect man who would love me for me. Who would make a vow to love me through sickness and health, till death us do part. Who would appreciate me every day, be as loony as me and who would declare in his speech at our Wedding that he can't wait to start a family with me (absolute swoon).  

Well, I just wouldn’t have believed it. I would have reminded myself that I’m not worthy of that love. My ex didn’t want me, and no one else ever will. (I was a stubborn and an Actress - drama is my nature)

So, if you’re out there. And you’re sitting up late at night, about to pour your heart out on Facebook (or Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat.. there’s no escape!). Please don’t. Whoever left you heartbroken doesn’t deserve another inch of your heart splattered all over social media. You’re much too precious for that. 

Peace and Love

Ria

xxx

Life at 25

So. It's been a while Blog. I don't truly think it is possible to be able to recount the past 3 years, I could try but I'm afraid my life has never been simple enough to bullet point into one blog.
Nor do I want to begin dedicating posts to my past.
Cue first difference from the old me to the new me-my rule of no regrets no longer exists.
Maybe it's my age? My late teens were full of 'so what?'s, 'you only live once!' and 'No regrets!'

Is it me, or is it just not that simple anymore? 

I suffered from an eating disorder for about 2 years during my early 20's. I experienced some of the darkest moments of my life, I discovered issues I never knew existed. I know there's so many people out there who will know what I'm talking about and I'm hoping there are many out there who got through the other end just like me. I was extremely lucky to have a beautifully caring best friend and a close knit family who didn't give up on me. To them I am forever thankful.

Little did I know that phase of my life wasn't the hardest. What scares me the most is that there are worse things to go through, there are worse things that could happen to me and I just don't know how much more strength I have left. There are days when I feel so much hope. The realisation that I got through an eating disorder, I can get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel seems just at the tip of my fingers.

And there are days like this where I feel like throwing in the towel and screaming out for help. For someone to just switch my brain for a new one. Delete the hardcoded mistakes and habits i've accumulated.

I'm talking about my anxiety disorder. My claustrophobia. My hypochondriac attitude. Being the daughter of a therapist (oh the irony) I am fully aware of my disorders. This does not in any way make them easier to handle. The only way I can see my knowledge serving me is by keeping me just on the edge of not going completely insane. Perhaps if i was in denial I could at least live in my own little bubble and think all of these things were completely normal.

What is normal? I hear you exclaim! Now I'm not asking to be 'normal', I've never been one to want to be like everyone else. All I'm asking for is to be able to talk to my friends without wondering if my heart was about to stop. To be able to have a sip of alcohol without thinking it's going to turn me into some uncontrollable monster and I'll stop breathing. To be able to obtain from ripping my jumper off and then scrambling it back on when I experience my 15th hot flush in the last 5 minutes. To be able to laugh to the point of nearly weeing myself without thinking I'm having a heart attack.

The list could go on. I might even start a blog about the list of irrational thoughts and worries, perhaps it will make them less scary.

It's not all doom and gloom, in fact, I am writing this because I have finally got to a place where I'm not scared to write. I practice Mindfulness Meditation and swear by it. If it wasn't for that and my incredible Therapist, I'm pretty sure I'd still be at square one rocking in a ball in the corner of my room... poor attempt at a joke, I don't think I've ever actually done that... but it's the cliche image isn't it!?

I have an incredible partner, which is all I ever wanted, looking back at my old posts, I have and always will be in love with Love.

I'm on my road to recovery and I would love to hear from anyone else out there who's on theirs.

Until next time.

Peace and Love.


Ria x