Ok, so some people may find this weird and some people may completely relate to this. But I love making memory boxes.
Perhaps it ties in with keeping a diary for a large amount of my life, I just like to document things and hold onto memories long after they're created.
I have a memory box containing items from my 5 year old self to my 11 year old self. I have a memory box containing years of teenage notes passed through class. I even have a memory box (or several) dedicated just to birthdays and christmas cards and handwritten letters from relatives/pen pals.
I then have my dedicated boxes to the loves of my life. Well, the have beens, the present and the desired.
I'm telling you all this because my partner and myself are buying a house together, so amidst the months of legal documents exchanging, we are having to squeeze in to my parents house. The room which I grew up in to be exact.
So as I tend to fill my life with memories, I am at times faced with ones which I don't think are necessarily good for my heart. Coming across a past loves memory box just now filled me with anything but happiness.
Seeing the broken promise of 'I will love you forever' in countless Valentines cards just simply clarified that anyone can say these things. Words can be given to you and mean so much in that moment, but mean something completely different years later.
Do you know what I wish? I wish I could be one of those people that could just grab this memory box, throw it in the fire and watch it burn away. Creating a therapeutic cremation to wash away the heartbreak.
But I just don't think that's me. My love for Love, will always be strong, no matter how many heartbreaks I had I always seemed to find Love. Variations of Love of course, but the passion was always there in some way or another.
It feels odd seeing all these little memories I accumulated from a past relationship when I'm in such a loving one now. Why do I need this box? What use is it to me now? How would I feel if my partner had such a box dedicated to a past Love?
I don't know the answer, I just know that those little items meant enough to me to put into a box. Those 5 years of relationship with said ex meant enough to me to not want to erase. Perhaps it was the way things ended, unfinished business and all that. I often say he is a ghost to me, he cut me out and I mourned for him. Like he had died. Perhaps that's why I can't burn the box?
My posts seems to be heading down a morbid route, which after my previous post, I would have hoped to have been a tad more positive!
The underlying fact is: I love LOVE.
I have a 'Lew Box' in which I will never stop treasuring our memories together. For to share such a loving passionate connection with someone is simply the most precious memory a girl can have.
Peace and Love
Ria x
Thursday, 16 April 2015
Saturday, 11 April 2015
Life at 25
So. It's been a while Blog. I don't truly think it is possible to be able to recount the past 3 years, I could try but I'm afraid my life has never been simple enough to bullet point into one blog.
Nor do I want to begin dedicating posts to my past.
Cue first difference from the old me to the new me-my rule of no regrets no longer exists.
Maybe it's my age? My late teens were full of 'so what?'s, 'you only live once!' and 'No regrets!'
Is it me, or is it just not that simple anymore?
I suffered from an eating disorder for about 2 years during my early 20's. I experienced some of the darkest moments of my life, I discovered issues I never knew existed. I know there's so many people out there who will know what I'm talking about and I'm hoping there are many out there who got through the other end just like me. I was extremely lucky to have a beautifully caring best friend and a close knit family who didn't give up on me. To them I am forever thankful.
Little did I know that phase of my life wasn't the hardest. What scares me the most is that there are worse things to go through, there are worse things that could happen to me and I just don't know how much more strength I have left. There are days when I feel so much hope. The realisation that I got through an eating disorder, I can get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel seems just at the tip of my fingers.
And there are days like this where I feel like throwing in the towel and screaming out for help. For someone to just switch my brain for a new one. Delete the hardcoded mistakes and habits i've accumulated.
I'm talking about my anxiety disorder. My claustrophobia. My hypochondriac attitude. Being the daughter of a therapist (oh the irony) I am fully aware of my disorders. This does not in any way make them easier to handle. The only way I can see my knowledge serving me is by keeping me just on the edge of not going completely insane. Perhaps if i was in denial I could at least live in my own little bubble and think all of these things were completely normal.
What is normal? I hear you exclaim! Now I'm not asking to be 'normal', I've never been one to want to be like everyone else. All I'm asking for is to be able to talk to my friends without wondering if my heart was about to stop. To be able to have a sip of alcohol without thinking it's going to turn me into some uncontrollable monster and I'll stop breathing. To be able to obtain from ripping my jumper off and then scrambling it back on when I experience my 15th hot flush in the last 5 minutes. To be able to laugh to the point of nearly weeing myself without thinking I'm having a heart attack.
The list could go on. I might even start a blog about the list of irrational thoughts and worries, perhaps it will make them less scary.
It's not all doom and gloom, in fact, I am writing this because I have finally got to a place where I'm not scared to write. I practice Mindfulness Meditation and swear by it. If it wasn't for that and my incredible Therapist, I'm pretty sure I'd still be at square one rocking in a ball in the corner of my room... poor attempt at a joke, I don't think I've ever actually done that... but it's the cliche image isn't it!?
I have an incredible partner, which is all I ever wanted, looking back at my old posts, I have and always will be in love with Love.
I'm on my road to recovery and I would love to hear from anyone else out there who's on theirs.
Until next time.
Peace and Love.
Ria x
Nor do I want to begin dedicating posts to my past.
Cue first difference from the old me to the new me-my rule of no regrets no longer exists.
Maybe it's my age? My late teens were full of 'so what?'s, 'you only live once!' and 'No regrets!'
Is it me, or is it just not that simple anymore?
I suffered from an eating disorder for about 2 years during my early 20's. I experienced some of the darkest moments of my life, I discovered issues I never knew existed. I know there's so many people out there who will know what I'm talking about and I'm hoping there are many out there who got through the other end just like me. I was extremely lucky to have a beautifully caring best friend and a close knit family who didn't give up on me. To them I am forever thankful.
Little did I know that phase of my life wasn't the hardest. What scares me the most is that there are worse things to go through, there are worse things that could happen to me and I just don't know how much more strength I have left. There are days when I feel so much hope. The realisation that I got through an eating disorder, I can get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel seems just at the tip of my fingers.
And there are days like this where I feel like throwing in the towel and screaming out for help. For someone to just switch my brain for a new one. Delete the hardcoded mistakes and habits i've accumulated.
I'm talking about my anxiety disorder. My claustrophobia. My hypochondriac attitude. Being the daughter of a therapist (oh the irony) I am fully aware of my disorders. This does not in any way make them easier to handle. The only way I can see my knowledge serving me is by keeping me just on the edge of not going completely insane. Perhaps if i was in denial I could at least live in my own little bubble and think all of these things were completely normal.
What is normal? I hear you exclaim! Now I'm not asking to be 'normal', I've never been one to want to be like everyone else. All I'm asking for is to be able to talk to my friends without wondering if my heart was about to stop. To be able to have a sip of alcohol without thinking it's going to turn me into some uncontrollable monster and I'll stop breathing. To be able to obtain from ripping my jumper off and then scrambling it back on when I experience my 15th hot flush in the last 5 minutes. To be able to laugh to the point of nearly weeing myself without thinking I'm having a heart attack.
The list could go on. I might even start a blog about the list of irrational thoughts and worries, perhaps it will make them less scary.
It's not all doom and gloom, in fact, I am writing this because I have finally got to a place where I'm not scared to write. I practice Mindfulness Meditation and swear by it. If it wasn't for that and my incredible Therapist, I'm pretty sure I'd still be at square one rocking in a ball in the corner of my room... poor attempt at a joke, I don't think I've ever actually done that... but it's the cliche image isn't it!?
I have an incredible partner, which is all I ever wanted, looking back at my old posts, I have and always will be in love with Love.
I'm on my road to recovery and I would love to hear from anyone else out there who's on theirs.
Until next time.
Peace and Love.
Ria x
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